Saddleworth Chatter – by GH
LIVING HERE in rural Saddleworth brings many advantages that our town living neighbours seldom enjoy.
One of these is the ability to have a traditional milkman who delivers fresh milk right to your door, which I myself prefer to the supermarket supply from unknown sources via a plastic container.
Our traditional milkman is also a friend and helper in many ways, as these following notes left by customers in the empty bottles will illustrate. They are all true and come from a national survey of milkmen.
Dear Milkman, I have just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave another bottle of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don’t leave any more milk, they only drink it!
Milkman, please close the gate behind you as the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, could I please have a loaf but no bread today?
Please cancel milk as I have nothing coming in to the house except two sons on the dole.
Sorry I haven’t paid your bill before but my wife has had a baby and I have been carrying it around in my pocket for the last fortnight.
Sorry about yesterday’s note. I did not want one egg and a dozen pints but the other way round.
When you leave my milk please knock on the window and wake me as I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock as my TV has broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, would you please tell me over a cup of tea?
My daughter wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver it or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Milk is needed for the baby and the father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesday and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
My backdoor is open, please leave milk in fridge. Get your money out of a cup in the cupboard and leave change on the kitchen table in pence as we want to play Bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today I mean tomorrow for I wrote this note yesterday.
Milkman, please put some coal on the boiler, let the dog out and put the newspaper behind the screen door. PS I don’t want any milk today
No milk today, please do not leave any milk at no. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
