John Kirkbride takes a light-hearted look at the pros and cons of farming as an occupation
IT may just be me, but I can’t help feeling that every time I turn on the telly there’s somebody being attacked by a chicken or gamely trying to herd a gang of goats into a trailer they clearly have no intention of entering.
Either that or we find some famous person face-down in a puddle of slurry while their wife/husband/farming mentor stands snorting with laughter nearby.
As a nation we appear to love watching people plunge their arms into disagreeable places or wrangle recalcitrant pigs into pens.
But just recently, it seems to me that we’ve been getting just a tiny bit obsessed with the idea of the farming life, with quite a few celebrities now having gone rogue-rural. Buying a farm and learning how to become a farmer has suddenly become a ‘thing’.
Don’t get me wrong, I love these shows, and am a regular viewer of quite a few of them.
However, I do find myself wondering how much is done for the cameras and how much is actual day to day, hands-on farming.
Anyone who’s ever worked on a farm – or even lives near one – will know the hours are long and the work is hard, and frankly, it’s not for the faint hearted (or anyone with an over developed sense of smell).
Now I’m not saying there are some TV personalities who’ve never done a day’s hard, physical graft in their lives. However, I am saying something quite similar to that. Which is why it’s so amusing watching them trying to heave a hay bale onto a trailer or get their wellies on without falling in the muck midden. (To those celebrities who have paid their dues on the night shift, I apologise).
The truth is, the majority of farmers are born into the role, and have been popping out lambs, zipping around on tractors and tossing bales around since they were no bigger than Sandy Toksvig.
They are prepared to put up with heavy work, unpredictable animals (and their smells) and a life of relentless rain, because farming for them is not simply a job, but a vocation.
If, on the other hand, you’ve spent your career thus far pretending to be a fictional character or cooking fancy meals in front of TV cameras, you might want to consider some of the pros and cons before you give up your day job for a life on the farm.
The downside of farming
One of the biggest drawbacks to a farming career in the 21st century is that it’s now even harder to make money than it used to be. The reasons for that are too numerous to mention in a lightweight article like this. But as a direct result of this downturn many farmers have had to abandon their crops and cattle and develop other types of businesses to keep themselves afloat.
This could mean pretty much anything, from planting a batch of high-end glamping pods in the fields to hiring out your land for festivals, events and wellington boot conventions. Many have turned to rearing rare breeds such as wildebeests and unicorns, and inviting schools and the general public to come and see them. So if you’re contemplating buying a farm and becoming a farmer, bear in mind that you may actually end up as a tour guide at a local visitor attraction.
As we’ve already alluded to, another major problem is the general prevalence of odious emanations, more commonly referred to as smells. If you’re working with sheep, cattle or pigs, you will discover quite quickly that their attitude to personal hygiene is not exactly fastidious.
Even if you diversify into something like alpacas or micro donkeys they still have to get rid of what they eat, and although I haven’t personally tested such a theory, I would guess the process is equally un-aromatic. So if you’re used to a sanitized and sweet smelling work environment, the milking shed on a dairy farm may come as something of a shock to your system.
If you’re coming from a nine to five background, you’ll also need to consider the hours involved.
Farmers who have to get up for work at 12 o’clock at night and lick the road clean with their tongue are considered by other farmers to be lucky. However, if you’re making a light-hearted documentary for a TV company, you can probably get away with popping into the barn for a couple of hours during lambing time and looking suitably dishevelled and awestruck.
Unless you’re planning to do your farming in the Algarve, the weather is something else you’ll need to take into account. Don’t be mislead by idyllic scenes on those rural docu-comedies, where shooting mostly takes place on lovely sunny days. The soggy reality is, if you’re determined to take up proper farming in the UK you’ll need sturdy underwear, even sturdier wellies and a raincoat designed by NASA.
The upside of farming
Having had a bit of a dig at those celebrity farming shows, I should add that I have the greatest admiration for anyone prepared to take it on for real. I must also admit to a small and sneaking sense of envy, because although farming is hard graft, it also has a lot to recommend it.
It is hard to make a living, but people up and down the country are coming up with some exciting new business ventures. Breeding rare sheep, pigs and other livestock works for some, while others are finding new ways to grow produce that we’d normally have to import. Personally I’d quite like to set up a coconut orchard, but unfortunately the price of sand has gone through the roof.
As for meteorology, despite the fact that over 40 inches of rain fell across the UK in 2021, it only actually rains for an average of 133 days a year. True, most of the other days are windy, cloudy or cold (if not all three), but we do get some glorious weather, and when it happens there’s no better place to be than the Saddleworth countryside.
I also happen to believe (because my mum told me) that the smell of manure is good for you. It takes a bit of getting used to, admittedly, but once you’ve gone through the nasal pain barrier it’s fine. When you think about it, many of the world’s best cheeses smell like sweaty socks, but to be fair that’s probably irrelevant. If your nose is particularly sensitive you can always breed rare vegetables instead.
The bottom line is, I’ve always felt that farming was a pretty noble profession. The hours are long and the work is tough, but it’s an industry that we simply couldn’t do without. And I’m very proud of the way many of our farmers have diversified to make their businesses viable for the 21st century. All joking aside, the more self-sufficient we can be the more likely it is our planet will survive, and what’s more important than that?
Oh, and by the way, have a brilliant spring and summer!
Some interesting facts about farming:
• Britain has around 10 million cows, and between them they produce around 60 million pints of milk every day
• Not only is alpaca wool hypoallergenic and good for knitting, but keeping an alpaca in with your sheep will help keep foxes away from the lambs
• Although it sometimes seems like its mostly towns and cities, 57 percent of all the land in the UK is used for agriculture
• Farms in the UK produce more than five-and-a-half million tonnes of potatoes every year, which is roughly enough to make 28 billion packets of crisps
• Pigs are surprisingly intelligent, can reach speeds of 11mph and can squeal up to a volume of 115 decibels
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