OLYMPIC Games gold medallist Nicola White is hoping time will be a great healer and she is able to reflect on a hugely successful career and not its acronymous ending.
As TeamGB women were in Tokyo winning a bronze medal, the former Saddleworth Hockey Club player was announcing the end of her illustrious international career.
Though Nicola was told by Great Britain Hockey in November that she was no longer a part of the elite programme, her retirement has only just been announced.
“I am heartbroken at having to retire from international hockey. I am so upset that it has taken me this long to come to terms with what has happened,” she explained.
Nicola had spent two years battling to overcome a career-threatening head injury sustained when she collided with an opponent during a friendly international which was part of the build up to 2018 Commonwealth Games which had been weeks away.
After overcoming the debilitating injury which caused mental health issues, Nicola had been due to rejoin the elite programme in March 2020 only for that to be aborted through Covid-19.
Nicola continued to train alone during the pandemic to regain fitness and when the Tokyo Olympics were delayed by a year, she described it as a great opportunity for her to regain her place.
When elite training resumed in June 2020, Nicola had conversations with GB Hockey and was told to play club hockey with scouting to take place between September and December.
“I was about to rejoin the elite programme in March and three months later was told to go away and play club hockey,” she explained.
Then out of the blue came a letter from GB Hockey in November 2020 saying they had enough depth and talent in the squad for Tokyo and thanking her for all her efforts over 10 years as part of the elite squad.
In a lengthy statement, Nicola admitted she had found the decision by GB Hockey incredibly difficult to accept given there was no objective reasoning.
She said: “Injuries are part of life as an athlete, but I never thought one would be behind losing my career, especially as I made it back to competitive play for my club and achieved a good baseline fitness.
“My head injury in March 2018 and subsequent prolonged recovery have been the hardest years of my life, but I never gave up hope that I could play hockey again. Happily I achieved this through continued belief, resilience and courage, day after day for over two years.
“However, the support I once enjoyed from GB Hockey disappeared and by consequence I have been given no opportunity to be reconsidered to reclaim the place I held in the programme for 10 years.
“What is bewildering is that just seven months before the decision, I was given a return to play for rejoining the programme towards Tokyo 2020 which I couldn’t wait to begin.”
Nicola explained one of the hardest parts was being led to believe by GB Hockey they wanted her back throughout her period of recovery and then took away those opportunities at the point when her health and fitness allowed for a potential return, adding she had been denied any form of fitness test, hockey trial, rescheduled return to play or any objective targets by GB Hockey.
She continued: “I am not sure I will ever understand this and don’t feel I was deserving of such treatment.
“It’s not the outcome itself that I am most hurt by, it’s the lack of care, moving of goalposts, the hindrance and disrespect which I experienced throughout my recovery.”
Nicola added she had no choice but remain silent while this was playing out as she still had not given up hope of reclaiming her place in the programme.
She said: “I am truly heartbroken at having to retire from international hockey and equally disappointed in the manner by which this has happened, despite 10 years of dedication, commitment and success.
“Those close to me will know I never took my return to the programme as a given, not have I asked for anything above and beyond. I simply wanted a fair chance to come back into the international scene.”
Nicola, who still suffers the effects of the head injury which has caused depression, added she is committed to addressing and highlighting her issues with GB Hockey to improve the care for herself and safety of others who suffer head injuries.
And looking back on her career which saw her win Olympic gold in Rio and bronze in London, two of 11 medals won at major championships, Nicola said: “I will cherish the memories and be forever honoured by the times I pulled on my England and GB shirt, whether that be a friendly game or an Olympic final.
“For me, it was always about my country, the team and how much I could contribute towards the success.
“There was never an end point, there was always more to strive for and more to give. Nothing will compare to those moments you feel in the heat of battle on the world stage, the highs and lows, the goosebumps and wins and losses.
“That’s what makes sport so special and I will moss that for the rest of my life.
“Holding on to the positives, I feel privileged that I was able to train in the sport I loved every day and compete all over the world in some amazing places.
“I was part of a series of great teams that helped me achieve my dream of not just one but two Olympic medals alongside many others, each bringing their own meaning and memories.
“It may take some time to fully appreciate my career given the bitter ending. However, I know deep down the gratitude and pride that sits inside and the powerful impact hockey has made throughout my life which I am sure will continue.”
When Nicola was breaking into hockey, her dream was to play a couple of international matches – she ended up with a total of 186 caps for England and Great Britain but believes she could have reached 250 had she been able to prolong her international career.
The injury was sustained at the age of 30 and Nicola believes some of her best playing days were still to come.
Nicola has yet to decide whether to continue playing for Hampstead and Westminster in the premier division of the Women’s England Hockey League.
She is head coach of a junior programme at her club for youngsters aged between seven and 13 years while contemplating embarking on a new career away from being an elite athlete.
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